Category Archives: Life in the middle


In our mad-dash, non-stop way of life, we often forget about, or maybe even ignore-what matters most for our lives. Deep down, the simple truth that nothing….   no achievements, no pleasures, no possessions take us any closer to knowing ourselves. we are still left empty within as if the entire purpose of existence is missing.

It seems to me that I know my self, and know what is best for me, or maybe im just pretending to know. Sometimes I know whats best for me, but I cant do it..  im unable to bring that change in me. Why?

Making a change often requires living with a situation, or issue before we are ready. In some cases, when im aware of a change around me, my mind will change its settings quickly… Problem solved…

BUT…there have been those few.. The ones that are unable to be solved immediately. And so we live with it for so long, unable to deal with “it”. Its funny how in some cases our awareness becomes alert so quickly, yet somethings just don’t click until its too late. we just cant let go, and continue to hold on to our ‘ways’, which is why we move on unable to make the change. When we don’t want to, our mind makes a million convincing arguments to our self, that theres nothing wrong with u, u don’t need to change one bit. The answer has not come, the solution hasn’t arrived. Maybe we know, but are not able to… It has found a home, deep within our self.. Now what? Can I afford to wait?

What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself and his surroundings. lack of knowledge keeps us tied down to one place, one mindset, one way of thinking.

I have learned, its ok if you are unable to solve the problem, and are not ready to change…. To live with it for a while…just as it is. The answers will arrive….when we are ready. Because anything done without understanding is just as useless. They make themselves known to us..we feel it, something happens very deep inside… We are delivered to change, when we are ready. I am ready. The time has finally come. It invited itself, and I welcomed it open heartedly.

So here is the real life ‘good girl gone bad’ and then also the part two which no one knew about. Hahaha, invented by me… ‘bad girl becomes good again’ no no… ummm  ‘ return of the good girl’ its weird but possible. Maybe with a few scars and scratches, but the return is possible.

I can change, I will change, ive made up my mind and that’s how im going to treat my self now. Discipline, self esteem, self-respect, maturity, responsibility, and ta-dahh..!!! A whole new character.



internal conflict

Ok im admitting it..!!! even though i read philosophical books, strive for knowledge, know what is permanent in this universe and whats not… i still cant keep my eyes off that white Audi suv passing by…


I also LOVE shopping.

I love high heels,

dresses, curling my hair,

chocolates, icecream, cake, gold, rubies,

I could shop

And shop

And shop … forever.

  no no no no… im not materialistic though..

Its how we’ve been brought up. This is the only thing we have been taught by schools, colleges, parents (not mine) and society. Get good grades, so u get into a good college, get a good degree, so u get a good job, and get lots of money so u can buy all the luxuries of life. A big house, a big car, get yourself a pretty wife (so she can use all your money, fool u and then maybe kill you.. I don’t know… whatever.) and if u don’t have all of this u are not respected in society. U have no value, u are nothing. (what is status—spending money which we don’t have, to buy things which we don’t need, to impress ppl whom we don’t know.)  no one has taught us simple living and high thinking.

But why am i constantly in an internal conflict. Maybe its because when its time to face the real word, its hard to apply my philosophy. Im like a weak tree standing in the middle of a flooded river. When it comes to spirituality and philosophy, people generally think differently, talk differently and behave way differently. You cant forget that u have to practice what u preach. U cant go around saying the world is materialistic and you shouldn’t give so much importance to money and things when u yourself cant stop dreaming about things u want and cant control your mind and desires.

But then when I think about it, my religion does not teach to renounce everything. My dad told me, theres nothing wrong in desiring a luxurious life. Its wrong if ur insanely after it and that’s the only thing u want in life. People can only see the outside, what someone has, and doesn’t have. But no one can tell what their hidden desires are.

One who does not desire anything, even though he might have everything, and one who is not attached to his possessions, has won this battle.